Backwards and Forwards

...but I love me most

2010-06-12T22:52:00.001-04:00

Up until a year ago, I would look at this phrase and think that by saying such a thing I would be selfish. Was this thinking from being raised in a conservative Southern Baptist church? Was it because of being a woman? Was it because this was the thinking of my mother? Was it because my pride and worth came from putting myself down and looking at others as more valuable? The answer is yes to all of these. My thinking did not happen overnight, but was fostered from years and years of living. No one was to blame, yet at some point I realized I was to blame if I let this thinking continue.

I guess you can call it a conversion experience, but it was not an experience like Paul’s on his way to Emmaus. I did not see God or an angle. My conversion experience was seeing myself; I mean truly seeing myself. For years I had been reading books and studying about the true self, the self that desperately wants to find its way to the surface. I constantly wanted to find it, yet I knew it was a process. I knew it was a process that I had to live. There were no magical steps; yet I knew at some point I would find it.

One year ago last Saturday (June 5, 2009), I found my true self. I found her by saying, but I love me most. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was on-call at the hospital and my life literally started crumbling before my eyes. Looking back, I realize it had been crumbling for a long time. There is no use getting into the details. All I knew is that living for me meant finally saying, but I love me most. I sat in the chair in the on-call room and knew that I had not been living. I was in a relationship that was stifling me and the only way out was for me to finally start loving me. I could only think of me in that moment. I didn’t realize that the decision I was making was in essence me loving myself most. It has taken a year of living to come to that conclusion.

It has also taken a year to realize that me not loving myself most did not start in that one relationship; it had been happening my whole life. It had prevented me from letting go of my mother for the eleven years after her death. It kept my worry and anxiety high. It kept me away from the peace that I so deeply desired.

I now realize that by saying that I love me most does not mean that I am selfish. In reality, saying this means just the opposite. I have found in this last year that I am grounded in a way that allows my heart to be open to others, life, and God in a way that I have never known. I go to sleep and wake up each day with a peace that does surpass all understanding. I go through each day holding the goodness of my mother instead of being weighed down with the grief of her death. I go through each day knowing that no matter what happens in life, I love me. For me, that is what matters most.

Donkeys on Ash Wednesday

2010-02-17T22:51:00.002-05:00

I drive to Mt Airy two days a week for work. It is about a 45 minute drive and usually I do not mind it. The drive is beautiful and it is nice alone time… or time to catch up with friends on the phone. Each day as I turn off to Mt Airy I anticipate the donkeys. There is a horse farm (at least that is what I think it is) on my left. Each day I look not at the horses but to find the two donkeys that also live there. I do not care if I see the expensive horses with their winter coats to keep them warm. I look for the two donkeys. Each day that I see them I smile and know that it is a good day.

I read this on someone’s facebook: "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past." — Anne Lamott. I cannot think of having a better past. My past is mine. As much as I would like to change it, I can’t. My past has made me who I am today. I cannot think of the time I lost from not making the best decision in the past. For I know to think about such a thing is just wasting more time. That part of my life has already taken too much from me. I am a better person for what I have been through. I am proud of how I have handled life and how I have grown. I am proud that I put me first. I am proud that I have chosen life and not fear! Oh wow I am proud that I have chosen life and not fear.

I said on Ash Wednesday last year I wanted to give up worry and fear. I was going to give up diet coke. I decided then that God did not want my diet coke, but God wanted me to have peace in life. I now see that to do that I had to make some difficult decisions in life. I said yes to me and life this last year. That is when the messiah came for me; that is when I said yes to me. I don’t know what that theology is, but it is mine. For me Christ’s resurrection was me being resurrecting from the death I was living.

Do we all not need to be resurrected? We die to ourselves all the time. Loosing parts of who we are for other people and other things. It is when we give these things up that we are resurrected and can fully live life. This for me is the mystery in life and this is what I take with me this Ash Wednesday.

I think I know why I love the donkeys so much. They are simple animals. They are true to who they are. Yes they are on the side of the beautiful horses with their fancy winter coats, yet it does not seem to bother the donkeys. They continue to be true to themselves and live their own lives. I would be wise to live like the donkey. It is on this Ash Wednesday that I think of being true to myself through seeing the donkeys.

Ironic thing… I no longer drink diet coke J

A Christmas Blessing

2009-12-24T09:59:00.006-05:00

Last Friday, Winston-Salem saw HUGE amounts of snow. Bythe time I had seen my last client at work, it was a little tricky getting home. The snow made it difficult to get traction at intersections. I was thankful to get home, but was worried. I was worried because I had a noon flight out of Greensboro the next day. It was time for my Christmas break and I wanted to go see my family! My sister was picking me up at the DFW airport. We were then driving straight to my grandparents in Roswell, NM.

Christmas at my grandparents is wonderful. I missed it last year and there was no way I wanted to miss it this year. My grandmother has every Christmas thing that sings and dances. The tree is perfect and there is always the decorating of Christmas cookies. As my sister pointed out, our traditions with the grandparents are the only things that are the same as they were before our mom died.

All these thoughts flooded my mind as I sat in my apartment watching it snow more and more. Everyone was rejoicing with the beauty of the snow, but I was crying a little more and more inside each time another flake fell. I did laundry and packed with the hope that I would get to keep my plans. I was not worried about the flight making it, I was worried that I would not be able to get off my street to make it to Greensboro!

I went to sleep that night, but did not sleep well. I was happy to see at 5 am, that it did not snow 10 more inches! It still looked bad, but I was hopeful this could work. By 8:30 I was up and dressed. I went to start my car so it could thaw out! A nice man shoveling the sidewalk encouraged my efforts. I even got my swiffer out to knock all the snow off my car. I got weird looks from my neighbors as I was loading my gigantic suitcase in the car.

The time came to get in the car and leave. I knew if I could get to the highway I would make my flight… getting off my street was going to be questionable for I live at the bottom of two hills. They are not big hills and I would never really even say I live at the bottom of two hills if they were not covered in snow and ice! I got in trusty Coco (2003 Corrolla). She took off!!! It was a miracle… but wait she got stuck. I put her in reverse to see if I could get more speed to hit the hill… nope it did not work. I was trying to tell myself not to cry, but all I could think about was being stuck in NC while all my family was together (yes I know it was a little dramatic).

I continued to do the forward and reverse thing for a few minutes. A truck was coming the opposite direction as I went in reverse into a pile of leaves covered by snow! I waved for the truck to go by. Instead of going by a young man got out of the truck. He walked over to the car and asked which way I was trying to go. He let me know I had gotten myself in a mess (this I did know). He then proceeded to tell me to put it in reverse and he would push at the same time. I did this, but not much happened. A woman that had been in the truck also got out and helped push my car. Once they got me straight, they got behind the car and pushed me up the hill!!! Once at the top it was all good. I easily made my way to the interstate and onto the airport. I made it to DFW that afternoon and was nice and warm at my grandparents that night.

I could not believe the compassion of these two people. I have no clue who they were. I could not stop and get names and addresses for a thank you note. These two individuals gave me hope and peace during this Christmas season. They showed in one action the meaning of Christmas that is forgotten in the materialism that now defines the season. I was blessed that day. I hope I can slow down in my daily life to help push a stranded person up a hill.

Thankful Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T09:58:00.000-05:00

As I was driving to Charlotte to catch my flight home for thanksgiving, I was doing some thinking. Lowen & Navarro were playing in the background (a new band introduced to me that I am loving!) and the sky was absolutely amazing. I couldn’t help but smile and actually be a little giddy with the thought of how blessed I am.

I had no clue that I would be where I am today. I would have thought you were crazy if you told me I would be living in Winston-Salem working as a counselor! This is where I have landed and I am thankful for the way life happens even when we do not expect it.

One of my favorite quotes is by Rainer Maria Rilke

"I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday, far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

This last year has been filled with more questions than I could ever imagine, but as I pause and reflect, I realize my life is the answer to so many of the questions. I was lost in making decisions of where to live and in the midst of the fog; the clarity of staying in Winston-Salem was undeniable. I struggled with job hunting. Out of nowhere came a dream job that I did not even know was a dream. The ending of a relationship was scary with the loss of support to which I had become accustomed. Without even looking, amazing girlfriends popped up to love me and walk with me. My supportive family loved me through every decision!

I do not think I have ever been this thankful. Life is so good and I am blessed beyond words.

Cecilia J Bigbee

2009-10-14T13:56:00.000-04:00

Today would have been my mother’s 56^th birthday. It is hard to believe that I have not celebrated with her the last twelve birthdays. I guess she will forever be 44 in my mind. Some birthdays I reflect on mom for hours and others it is merely a passing thought. Some years are filled with tears. This year feels strangely different, different in a very good way.

Today really is a celebration of her life for me. So often I have focused on her death on her birthday, but not this year. I remember the wonderful mother she was. Like when I was in first grade. I was a very picky eater. We had forgotten to look at the school lunch menu before I went to school. I got there and it was stew (which I hated)! When mom got home she looked and saw this, so she went to Burger King and brought me lunch. It meant the world to this first grader.

My mother was also a person who took bread to the shut-ins. She talked to everyone and wanted them all to feel welcome. Fun was part of her life and she taught me how to let go and laugh. We played and were silly.

More than anything she wanted Mandy and me to be strong and independent women. She wanted us to have a college education and to be able to be on our own. I can’t help but smile to think of where we both are today. Mandy is an attorney at a school district. She just bought her own house (with a pool)! Mom is so proud, I know this.

I just started a new job… a job that I have because of mom’s death. It was through her death that I decided to go into counseling and more importantly desire to pursue the integration of religion and counseling. I have stood up and been strong in ways that I never knew were possible this year. Through it all, I can feel mom’s strength through me.

Frederick Buechner in his book Telling Secrets talks about a relationship with a person is not over when they die. The relationship changes though. This fall my relationship with mom is changing after her being gone over 11 years. Her presence is alive in me like never before.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Dreams

2009-09-11T14:35:00.003-04:00

So it has been an incredibly long time since I have blogged... almost two years. So much has happened in two yeas that it is hard to know where to start, what to include, and what is unnecessary. I sit in my new apartment close to downtown Winston Salem. I would have never dreamed that I would be here on this day, but life has a way of surprising me. My wonderful dad says that life is learning to handle plan b... more and more I think he is right.

I moved two weeks ago and I can say that I finally have my apartment feeling like my home. Part of this process was hanging pictures on my wall. I see it as making it my own. When I graduated from seminary my dad and Peggy gave me a dream sign (with money tied to it). Since then they have proceeded to buy my things that say dream. I always like looking around my space seeing a reminder to not just go through life, but also to go after my dreams.

When I was moving from Greensboro over a year ago, my favorite dream sign broke in two. I tried to put it back together with glue, but it did not work. I kept both pieces... I don't know why. I felt the need to keep this one dream.

Needless to say the last few months many of my dreams broke. I called off a wedding and with that came the breaking of so many dreams. I know it was the best decision for me, but nonetheless, the dreams broke in two.

As I was decorating, I decided to try to put my dream back together. I used tools and forgot the glue... and before I knew it, my dream was back on my wall. I look at it everyday and it is such a visible reminder of my dreams. My new apartment is the first step in me going after my dreams once again... dreams that I do not even know about at this moment, but dreams that are deep within my soul waiting to come to the surface.

The last three months I have found parts of myself that I had lost somewhere along the way. As a great friend of mine told me it is like saying "self, welcome home."

The quilt of my life

2007-11-05T11:24:00.001-05:00

Last night Justin and I were watching the Dallas Cowboys, but when it was certain they would win we decided to do something different… we watched home movies. That is right!!! I let him see me not only as an adorable kid, but also as the awkward middle school cheerleader. It was so much fun and we laughed so hard. Since it was a little chilly last night I got the quilt off my spare bed. After the home movies were over, I asked him if he had seen my quilt. He hadn’t so I started telling him the story.

It is a t-shirt quilt, one that my mom and I started making a few months before she died. Mom had decided that we should take all my t-shirts from high school and turn them into a quilt. I thought it was a wonderful idea so the work began. We laid out each shirt and looked at the way the rows would be formed. Great care was taken into measuring and cutting the shirts for we couldn’t make a mistake! After all the shirts were cut, mom started sewing them into rows, she got through two… and then she left, she died. The quilt was left unfinished, incomplete.

When dad was going through the house after mom died, he came across the pile of t-shirts. He decided to have the quilt finished for me as my Christmas present that year. I remember opening the quilt that Christmas and crying. It was amazing. It was like me having part of my mother back. I treasure the quilt. I use it at times and am always terrified when I wash it.

After I finished telling the story, Justin looked into my eyes with the saddest expression. He then asked how my mom could leave before the quilt was finished. I looked at him and stated that the quilt was not the only thing left unfinished. My mom being part of my life was far from being finished, but she left, she made that choice. Just as there were many pieces of the quilt left, so were many aspects of my life. I stated that just as my quilt was put together by someone else, so has my life. In some way, the pieces of my life have been sewn together even without my mom present. Just as her imprint was left on the quilt, so is her imprint on my life.

It doesn’t make sense at times, but all I know is that my life continues to be a quilt added to and made into something beautiful. Although one of the two who started the quilt of my life left, it in no way means the quilting stopped. In her absence others have picked up a needle and thread. They have sewn in times when mom was not there, but I needed her. At times I doubted if the quilt of my life could be put together with her gone, but at each of those moments someone has stepped into my life. As I look at the continual progression of my quilt, I could not be happier. I also think my mom would be happy at the progression of the quilt of my life.

Part of the club

2007-01-28T16:26:00.000-05:00

Grey’s Anatomy a few weeks ago got me thinking about a journal entry I made a few years ago. When George’s dad died Christina came up to him and said he was part of the club. These are thoughts and ideas I have thought especially on 12-12-04.

I’m in a club; one that I never asked to be a part of, but one that covered me in an instance; a club that started with darkness and gloom. A club that once in you can never leave—there is no de-pinning. You don’t choose to be a part of this club and you can never leave. At first you despise the club and even pretend you are not a part, but then reality sets in and you realize the truth. There is some comfort found in knowing that you do not cry alone and there are others trapped in the circle of grief-just like you. I guess the key is deciding what your role in the club will be—will you sit in the corner with your back to everyone-or will you turn around and see the others that are hurting with you. Will you experience the beauty of a group of people mourning together? Will you choose to see the body of Christ through a group of individuals broken together? It is weird to say that it doesn’t hurt as much when others are hurting with you. When you first enter the club you consider it a curse, but as the years pass you realize you need this club, you need someone to cry with.

You see yesterday I saw the club at its best. It was the service of consolation at Calvary. I sat with Becky knowing that she would be experiencing pain in an unexplainable way. Of course I was hurting too, but the seventh Christmas is much different than the first. When it was time to go to the front we grasped each others’ hand. As we slowly walked down, her older, but I was the one with more experience in the situation. As we got to the front Becky started to weep-my mind raced back to the first time I had been at the service. Becky was now taking my place in the circle of life. We clutched each other tightly as we were prayed for. Suz walked up and embraced Becky. Becky still had a hold of my hand. She squeezed it as tight as she could. I didn’t mind for I understood the pains she was feeling at the core of her soul. She grasped my hand as if saying “Help me, you know this pain all too well.” I was in a situation which I was helpless. I could say or do nothing to help her pain. I normally am uncomfortable in a situation like this, but you see I wasn’t. I was content with my place. Why, because it was my place in that moment. I was to be the one who has gone before Becky. We walked back to our seats. As we sat down Becky just wept and I held her. Another friend rushed to hold her and pray for her. As I sat there looking at the scene, I was overwhelmed with the presence of God. How can a room of people totally broken and hurting show me God? It is because this is what God wants. For one of the first times I was in a church where people weren’t pretending to be something they weren’t. There were no masks, just honesty flowing through tears. A room filled with questions for God; a room needing the brokenness of each other to survive the moment. I saw the body of Christ—broken, suffering, full of pain—just as Christ had been. The exciting part is knowing the joy that will once again enter this body—not tomorrow and maybe not even next year, but one day. Through grief and brokenness I saw the face of God and it was such an amazing face. I pray that I never forget the scene of the body of Christ.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-17T22:32:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for.....

Paradox

2006-10-29T14:37:00.000-05:00

This week my mind has been flooded with the reality of loving a person while not accepting or even understanding their actions. It is one more paradox of life that we find ourselves confronting at times. We were taught by Jesus to love the sinner, but hate the sin. These words are much easier to recite in a Sunday school class than to actually practice in life. To practice such words, we have to learn to live with the paradox of emotions that we feel all at once. It is almost the same mix of emotions we feel when someone dies; only in this situation the person is still alive. The life of the person seems to only complicate things since we are confronted with their existence and their continual life on earth.

My mother is the one that taught me how to live in the paradox of such feelings towards others. She taught me not by her words, but by the way in which she lived her life. When I was in high school we lived in a very small town. It came out one year that a very active older man at church had molested a small child many years earlier. It was an unthinkable act. The man’s actions caused pain and hurt to so many. My mom knew and understood this, but at the same time she saw the pain and hurt in the one that was the cause. He was immediately ostracized in the town and no one would have anything to do with him; that is no one but my mother. She would on occasion go over to his apartment to take him cookies or home-made bread. Her going over there was not her accepting his behavior in any way. Just like everyone else she did not understand it and was saddened by it, but she was able to see the man behind the action. She saw the lonely man that she knew that Jesus still loved. My mother allowed herself to have Christ’s eyes for the untouchable person in our town. By her actions she taught me what it is to live in the paradox of emotions that are present in such a situation. She showed me what it means to actually live out “love the sinner, hate the sin.” My mother was an amazing woman who knew what it was to love those who are the most unlovable.

Fall with Daddy and Peggy

2006-10-17T17:25:00.000-04:00

I had a wonderful time this weekend with Daddy and Peggy. It was amazing just spending time with them. I love being at an age where my father is not just a parent but also one of my best friends and my step-mom is someone who I seek encouragement from. I love living in NC but after a weekend like this I realize how much I miss home. I miss being close to my family and having the opportunity to just sit and talk with them more than twice a year.

Here are a few pics from the weekend!!!!

If and when I ever get married, I want the wedding to be here in the fall.

Long Overdue

2006-10-09T22:08:00.000-04:00

It has been over a month since I have written... so this is what has been happening in my life.

I went to Orlando for a conference and this is what happened

I spend all of my time at one of these two places:

Regional Cancer Center-internship

Caribou coffee: place to study

A few weeks ago I got to see

Indigo Girls,they are amazing!!!!

and The Weepies, my favorite new group

And this weekend dad and peggy are coming to NC!

Life is good, but busy right now!

Baylor Football Party!

2006-09-04T22:50:00.000-04:00

Baylor might not have won, but it was still fun to hang out with friends!

Birthday Party.

2006-08-27T18:59:00.000-04:00

Although my actual birthday was not the best since I was in class until 9:30 pm, the week ended with a GREAT party. My friend Elysia had a cookout for me and Carrie (her b-day was Thursday). It was a wonderful way to end the week. Here are a few pics.

The Birthday Girls!!!

Yea for birthday cake

A party isn't a party until you play BS

The food was GREAT!!!

Elysia with her family

One Book...

2006-08-24T22:37:00.000-04:00

Lindsay tagged me for this, so here goes…

That changed your life: “The Awakening” by Kate Chopin

That you've read more than once: “Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis

That you'd want on a desert island: Any book by Helen Fielding.

That made you laugh: "Good in Bed" by Jennifer Weiner

That made you cry: “Death Be Not Proud” by John J. Gunther

That you wish had been written: "My Life as I See It" by Amanda Bigbee

That you wish was never written: "Great Expectations” by Charles Dickens

That you are currently reading: "Without a Name” by Yvonne Vera

That you want to read: "Les Miserables” by Victor Hugo

Mom

2006-08-22T22:35:00.000-04:00

I notice the circle of life each year at this time. One day I am celebrating another year of life that I have been given and the next day is the anniversary of my mother’s death. It is so evident each year at this time of the joy and sorrow that surrounds each of us. Both of these days in their own way remind me of the precious gift that life is and how I am to cherish each moment. I am thankful for my life, but I grieve for my mother. Although it has been eight years, my heart still aches for the amazing woman I called mom. As my dear friend Becky stated regarding the death of one’s mother, “It seems that you never get over it, but you learn to make it part of your life.” I miss her dearly in a way that words will never be able to describe.

Lake Lure Vacation

2006-08-10T11:21:00.000-04:00

I went to Lake Lure for a short vacation before school started. I went by myself and had a wonderful time. I took my time driving down there and stopped in Black Mountain for lunch and coffee. My time in Lake Lure was spent laying out, hiking at Chimney Rock (fyi: part of Last of the Mohicans was filmed there), reading, and hanging out with Donovan. I came back feeling like I had been gone a week when I was really only away for two nights. Here are a few pics from the trip.

Gastehaus Salzburg, the wonderful bed and breakfast where I stayed.

Start of the hike at Chimney Rock to go to Hickery Nut Falls.

Top of the waterfall

WOW, it was amazing

This was in the movie... Last of the Mohicans

There were a lot of stairs on the hike

The actual lake at Lake Lure

The drive home

Beach time!!!

2006-07-23T18:14:00.000-04:00

I just got back from a weekend at the beach (Wilmington, NC). I went with my good friend Elysia and it was wonderful. It is amazing how a few days at the beach can restore my soul!!!

Elysia driving us to the beach!

More fun times in the car!

Ahhhh the wonderful beach!

This is all we did... read, sleep, and play!

OK we also ate really good food!

but there is no place like home!

Quickly?

2006-07-17T22:00:00.000-04:00

I have spent the majority of my summer completing the first part of my internship at a local hospital and cancer center. The internship is emotionally hard most days, but I have learned so much. I constantly encounter the most amazing people who give new meaning to the word courageous. I often leave a room feeling guilty because it seems that I have gained more from the conversation than I have given.

Today I went into a room of an older couple. They were so nice and a joy to meet. As I was talking with the wife she stopped suddenly and told me that I had beautiful eyes. She then asked if I was married and before I could answer had looked at my left hand for a ring. When she realized I wasn’t married she smiled and said “oh you will not be single for long… some guy will snag you up quickly.” I said thank you, but I was laughing hard on the inside. Quickly??? I am almost 27… when does quickly come?

The Gift of Peace

2006-07-16T22:28:00.000-04:00

“When the hand of God's purpose enters my life, however, it is usually not from the front, as I have always expected, but from the side, in murmurs and whispers that not only surprise but soon empty me beyond anything I could imagine.”--Cardinal Bernardin in The Gift of Peace

I have recently finished reading The Gift of Peace. It is one of the most amazing books I have read. It was recommended to me by my good friend Donovan as we were having coffee the other day. He told me a little bit about the book and that he thought I might like it. Little did I know that by opening the book I would read the words of an amazing man who really understood what it meant to love others. I have been challenged and compelled by not only the words of Cardinal Bernardin but also the way in which he lived and died. I highly recommend the book to everyone!

My Turn!

2006-07-15T08:56:00.000-04:00

As many of you know Josh Groban is one of my favorite singers (ever)! As of June 26, Josh Groban and his girlfriend of three years (actress January Jones) broke up. So sad for them, but it is my turn for a chance. I just thought my fortune didn't come true last week.

Fortune Update…

2006-07-10T20:08:00.000-04:00

I am sorry to say that my fortune from Friday did not come true. That is unless I go with Leigh’s idea that taking a hot bubble bath equals an evening of romance. Maybe the fortune will come true another evening!

Fortune Cookie

2006-07-07T22:17:00.000-04:00

Tonight I went with two of my good friends (Elysia and Carrie) to PF Chang’s. We had a wonderful dinner and the conversation was even better than the food. It was the perfect dinner to end a long day at my internship. The best part of the evening was when we opened our fortune cookies. I was not too eager to read mine since I normally get the fortunes that say something like “good people go far in life.” So I was surprised as I opened my cookie and pulled out a little slip of paper that stated “The evening will bring romance.” There is still over an hour before the end of the night and I am not giving up hope on my fortune…

7-7-77 = My Sister's B-day!!!

2006-07-06T23:04:00.000-04:00

Happy B-day (a few hours early) to my wonderful sister!

Just the two of us...

2006-07-01T11:56:00.000-04:00

My sister was here last weekend. It was so nice to have her experience my life in Greensboro. She went to all my favorite places and we even took a day trip to Boone. I love her more than I can ever say and am blessed by her every day!

We are so cute!

Fun times at Blowing Rock.

I LOVE hot dogs!

Fun times in the car!

God’s Chosen Woman?

2006-06-24T22:09:00.000-04:00

Over the last few weeks I have been asked by two different clients if I was Jewish. I find this ironic since I have never been asked this question in my 26 years of living, I eat pork, love Jesus, don’t wear a Yarmulke, and have hidden my menorah. So in honor of this recent development in my life, I am taking a poll of friends and family to see if they think I look Jewish and should start Hebrew lessons.

The Best and Worst of May...

2006-06-18T22:29:00.000-04:00

I previously posted the top 10 reasons I was loving May. To say the least May (and the first part of June) was not what I had expected, so here is a top 5 list of why it sucked!

5. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer.
4. Our trip to the beach was cancelled because of rain.
3. I had to make a sudden trip to Texas… meaning that I missed the first week of summer school and internship.
2. I started having problems with a member of my dissertation committee and I am a year from even starting my dissertation.
1. The butterflies that once resided in Alex’s stomach took flight, meaning that he wanted to break up since the magical feeling was gone.

I hate to leave with such negative thinking so here is a top 5 list of why May (and the first part of June) still had some bright spots.

5. I got to see my family when I was not expecting it.
4. Although I did not get to go to the beach, I got to go to Wet’n Wild with two amazing friends (Elysia and Carrie).
3. Leigh, LeAnn, and I were together once again and I was able to be at LeAnn’s ordination.
2. My grandfather is feeling better and things appear to be going well.
1. Through this whole break-up I have seen how much I am loved by so many friends and family. I am truly blessed!

More Randomness

2006-06-10T23:53:00.000-04:00

Earlier this year I posted on a quote that I have hanging in my bathroom.

"She took comfort in the pure randomness that surrounded her, accepting that no one escapes, knowing that it could happen to anyone, at any time… pain, happiness, confusion, even love.”

Although I am still trying to embrace the randomness that surrounds me, I am realizing that this is easier when the randomness involves happiness and love instead of pain and confusion. Just as I would never skip the love and happiness, I cannot pass over the pain and confusion. I must embrace them both for they are not going anywhere. This is the randomness that is with me now.

Mi Mancherai

2006-06-03T23:17:00.000-04:00

Mi mancherai se te ne vai
Mi mancherà la tua serenità
Le tue parole come canzoni al vento
E l'amore che ora porti via
Mi mancherai se te ne vai
Ora per sempre non so come vivere
E l'allegria, amica mia, va via con te

Mi mancherai, mi mancherai, perchè vai via
Perchè l'amore in te si è spento
Perchè, perchè...
Non cambierà niente lo so
E dentro sento te

Mi mancherai, mi mancherai, perchè vai via
Perchè l'amore in te si è spento
Perchè, perchè...
Non cambierà niente lo so
E dentro sento te

Mi mancherà l'immensità
Dei nostri giorni e notti insieme noi
I tuoi sorrisi quando si fa buio
La tua ingenuità da bambina, tu...

Mi mancherai amore mio
Mi guardo e trovo un vuoto dentro me
E l'allegria, amica mia, va via con te

Sisters of the Soul

2006-05-24T22:32:00.000-04:00

What a wonderful time! The 618 girls are together once again. Leigh flew in on Friday for a week stay. LeAnn's ordination was Sunday. We are blessed!

Papa

2006-05-11T11:31:00.000-04:00

We found out yesterday that my grandfather (aka-papa) has stage three cancer. He will be having surgery very soon. He is one of the most amazing men I have ever known. He had an article written about him in the Roswell newspaper and they called him the "gentle giant." He is caring and so thoughtful. He constantly gives to others without expecting anything in return. He has helped me to understand unconditional love. Please keep him in your thoughts the next few weeks.

Happy B-day Leigh

2006-05-09T12:15:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear LEIGH
Happy Birthday to you!

living in the questions

2006-04-23T16:10:00.000-04:00

rainer maria rilke quote. "i beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday, far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

i am learning to live in the questions and it is not as bad as i thought it would be. it is actually refreshing and exciting!

Randomness

2006-03-28T13:15:00.000-05:00

A few years ago I bought a framed picture of a silhouette of a woman with this quote written on it “She took comfort in the pure randomness that surrounded her, accepting that no one escape, knowing that it could happen to anyone, at any time… pain, happiness, confusion, even love.”

I am quickly realizing that I do not live my life this way. I shy away from randomness and try to control it at all cost. I have to laugh at myself as I read this quote every morning. This is what I desire to do, but it is in no way I live my life. I bought the picture not because it resembled who I am, but more of who I long to be.

All of this to say, that I am trying to live with ambiguity in my life and appreciate the randomness. I will attempt to not control the unpredictable things in my life, but fully embrace them as the gift that they are.

The Luckiest Girl!

2006-02-24T09:20:00.000-05:00

I am getting ready to leave to go see LeAnn for the weekend. I will be helping as she is settling into her new home in Columbia, SC (only three hours from Greensboro)! Next weekend I will be back in TX. I will get to see the other third of 618, Leigh! I think this is just what I need to push through the crunch of the last half of the semester!!!

I am a woman!

2006-02-11T10:24:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in my living room looking out the window as a mix of rain and snow are falling. I have Enya’s newest CD playing and drinking my favorite hot tea. I am supposed to be writing a self-analysis paper on my gender development, but I am realizing how hard it is to put into words what has made me into a woman. There have been times in my life that I didn’t realize what it meant to be a woman. There have been times in my life that I hated that I was female. There have been times that I felt like I need to apologize for being a woman. Today though, as I sit here I am thankful for being a woman. I am thankful for the amazing women in my life who have taught me what it really means to embrace my identity as a woman. I am thankful and blessed for being who I am!

Making a home

2006-01-27T11:21:00.000-05:00

While I was in Texas I was able to go see Leigh's new home. She had mentioned that it seemed more like home once I visited. I really didn't understand what she was saying until this last week. LeAnn came and visited me for three nights. It was just like old times at 618. We talked about everything (I think we might have actually figured out how to save the world), ate way too many cookies, and laughed at American Idol. With her here my apartment seemed more like home than ever. I realized how true Leigh was about her home. I can't wait for more of my inner circle to visit to assist as I continue to make Greensboro my home.

YES!!!!

2006-01-19T14:22:00.000-05:00

YES! I have a chair for my dissertation committee. I met with the prof on Tuesday. After a wonderful discussion she agreed to work with me. I have to admit I was walking a little easier after the conversation. I have a hard time believing that this is all real. It was a year ago that I was traveling here for my interview. After I returned back to Texas I was certain that I would not be accepted. Now I am in my second semester of the program and have a chair. It is really weird where we end up during this journey. I would have never imagined in a million years that I would be in a Ph.D. program in Greensboro, NC. As I think back to this last year I am a little overwhelmed with everything that has happened. At the same time I am blessed. Blessed to have such an amazing life and blessed to have this opportunity.

Chair Drama

2006-01-12T20:07:00.000-05:00

I knew with the beginning of this semester would come the process of choosing a dissertation chair. Although this might not seem like a hard thing to do, it has become very stressful. This might be because everyone has told me that it will be one of the most important decisions that I will make, but in the same breath they say that I can’t make a bad choice!!!! Over Christmas I gave the decision some thought, but tried not to worry too much. I knew that I had the whole semester to get things together and make my decision… if only things would have been so easy. As I returned I was faced with the reality that many others had already made such a decision. My stress level quickly elevated and I knew I had to get with the program. Even though I couldn’t make a “bad choice” I was terrified. I had already decided who I wanted, but as I started to email the professor I panicked. Was this the right decision? What happens if I should have picked someone else? What if the prof doesn’t want to do it? As questions flooded my mind, I realized I just need to do it. I am discovering that half of this process is just having to make decisions (if I want to graduate anytime soon). So I have a meeting set up with a professor next Tuesday! It is hard to believe that I am putting together the group of four individuals who will walk with me through the dissertation process. I know this is just the first of many big decisions that I will have to make.

Back Home?

2006-01-05T13:16:00.000-05:00

I am back in Greensboro, but I am struggling to say I am back home. Of course NC is my new home, but it does not exactly feel that way. On the other hand, Texas is no longer home either. My family lives their and most of my friends, but it is no longer my home. So I guess this leaves me homeless. Yes I have a nice apartment where my belongings rest, but the place of home does not exist at the moment. I have left the home that I knew so well and I am struggling to make a new home. Making a new home takes time and it does not happen overnight. I do think my trip to Texas over Christmas assisted me in this process. Although I had said bye to the place half a year ago, it wasn’t until this trip that I let go. I really can’t explain it, but as I was driving down the ever lovely 35 I knew leaving this time was different. I will come back and see friends, but I must move on with my life. I have to make my new home and I can’t even start such an adventure until I let go of the things of the past.

favorite jeans

2005-12-12T10:26:00.000-05:00

I have been back in Waco for a few days now. It has been wonderful; actually it has been surreal. At moments it feels as if I have not been gone at all and then at other times I realize how far away my new home really is. It has been refreshing and encouraging to be with people who know the depths of my soul.

I have been equating Waco as my favorite pair of jeans. You know the jeans that you can’t wait to put on. They are the jeans that you would wear for the rest of your life, but aren’t appropriate for all things. They are the jeans that make you feel beautiful and comfortable when you are having the ugliest of days. They are the jeans that even if your stomach has a pooch from too much thanksgiving, or your butt size has increased from running, or your thighs are bigger from… ok they are just bigger, they still fit. The jeans are forgiving. That is Waco. Waco still fits. It doesn’t fit like it did five months ago, but it still fits. It has room for the growth that I have experienced the last five months, and it is still a place that is comfortable and forgiving.

Christmas Emotions

2005-11-27T14:24:00.000-05:00

It amazes me at the depth of emotions that are experienced during the Christmas season. I experience joy and happiness when thinking at the time that I get to spend with my family during this season. I love making cookies and pies with my papa while my sister and mama decorate the cookies. Countless hours are spent with my daddy watching movies and college football. My sister and I exchange thoughtful gifts that show how much we love each other. As much as I try to dwell on the positive aspects of Christmas, each year my heart still breaks. I would say that this started the year after my mother died, but in reality my heart has ached every Christmas since I can remember. Yes it yearns to celebrate one more Christmas with my mother, but my pain encompasses so much more.

I remember as a child going Christmas caroling with Taylor Memorial Baptist Church in Hobbs, NM. We would go to the nursing homes and to all the widows. As we would sing, the wrinkled little ladies would slowly begin to cry. They cried because of the loss that is so evident at the holidays. The songs we sang reminded them of a time with someone they loved. They would smile and say thank you, but my heart would break as the pain that was inside of them would be evident by the tears running down their checks. At that time I in no way understood the depth of their pain, but my heart ached because they were sad.

I now find myself as one of the wrinkled little ladies (ok I don’t have wrinkles, but you get my picture). Every Christmas tears run down my checks as I sing Silent Night in church or as I am waiting in line at a department store. The pain that lives in my body surfaces in an unexplainable way at this time of the year. I try to focus on how fortunate I am for the love that surrounds me, but in the end I still miss my mom. I miss her beautiful smile and her warm embrace. I miss her holiday cooking and her thoughtfulness as she baked bread for the untouchables in our town.

I realize I miss her so much, because of the joy that I experienced through my life with her. In the movie Shadowlands Joy, C.S. Lewis’s wife, states that the pain later is part of the happiness now. How true these words are. I hurt so deeply now because of the depth of joy that I once experienced. If my mom had not meant so much to me, I would not grieve for her now. I wish so much that I would not have this pain, or anyone else for that matter, but in reality if I did not have pain it would mean that I never had experienced a deep love and connection with an amazing person. I hurt at Christmas because I have experienced a depth of joy that most can only dream about.

Five Things

2005-11-23T13:12:00.000-05:00

Many of my friends had posted this on their blogs so I thought I would join in the fun. I hope everyone has a happy turkey-day!

Like, and Should
1) sunsets
2) spending time with my family
3) college basketball
4) chocolate
5) trees making a canopy over the road

Don't Like, and Should
1) Mustard
2) Ranch Dressing
3) Flying
4) shopping
5) pro basketball

Don't Like, and Shouldn't
1) SPAM – I am referring to the mystery meat
2) shots
3) going to the dentist
4) arrogant people
5) Star Trek

Like, but Shouldn't
1) Tremors
2) Chili Cheese French Fries
3) Lifetime Movies
4) Reality TV
5) Bon Jovi

Visiting Home

2005-11-18T14:21:00.000-05:00

In three short weeks I will be flying back to Texas for Christmas break. I am so excited to see my family and friends. It has been over four months since I have been home and my body longs for the place I know so well. As I have been thinking about this visit, I have started to get nervous and scared. I know it is strange that I would be nervous of going home, but I am. I am not so much nervous about seeing my family, but I am scared of seeing friends. I am scared because I know things won’t be the same as when I left. Four months stand in between then and now. I am not the same person I was before I left and they too have changed. This is the fear that I have dreaded since I moved. As my friend Myles once said “change is part of life. There are no static places, except for graveyards, and even there, grass grows and stone decays.” Change is part of life and it has been occurring since I have left everyone I love so much. I fear that I will not connect in the same way with those who once knew me so well. I have started a new chapter in my life and none of my previous friends are in this chapter. Of course they have a part in it, but they are not in the daily activities. I am scared because of the change that has occurred. I know that change is not always a bad thing and that it can be good, but I am still scared.

The Green Bean

2005-11-09T20:12:00.000-05:00

I have desperately missed Common Grounds since leaving Waco. I have tried out a few coffee shops in Greensboro, but have been relatively disappointed. One near campus lacks a good atmosphere and the coffee really isn’t that good. A few chains are okay, but it just isn’t the same. It seemed that I would not find a coffee shop that would even compare to my favorite spot in Waco. That was until I stumbled upon the Green Bean with Kristen Richardson while she was visiting a couple of weeks ago. The Green Bean is a coffee shop located in downtown Greensboro. Not only does it have a cleaver name, free internet, live music a few times a week, good (organic) coffee, yummy tea, but it serves wine and beer. I am not a big beer and wine drinker and was excited to see that this extraordinary coffee shop serves the ever lovely Woodchuck Cider. While it is not Common Grounds, it is unique in its own way. I look forward to having a Cowboy Coffee in December, but am quite content as I sip on my Woodchuck Cider tonight.

Baylor Bears

2005-10-28T11:48:00.000-04:00

Through the last few years I have been angry at Baylor University. I have not been happy at the way they have handled many things and am sadden at their choices of terminating useful programs (their Ed.D. program and now community counseling). I came to NC thinking that my allegiance to a school where I had been for eight years was for the most part gone. I realized last week, that this is not the case.

I was at an ACES (Association for Counselor Educators and Supervisors) conference this last weekend in Pittsburgh. I knew that Baylor's football game was going to be on TV and was excited to get to watch them. I forfeited a night of karaoke for college football (such an easy choice). A friend did persuade me to go to the hotel bar during the fourth quarter of the game. The bartender happily changed the television to the Baylor/OU game. As the game was ending and Baylor tied it up, I was happy to tell those around that I went to Baylor. I got in a conversation with a man beside me and bragged about how wonderful a school Baylor is.

My reaction to this situation got me thinking about how much I do love Baylor. Yes, it has its flaws. But in reality what doesn't? It is a university run by imperfect people just like me. I in no way should through out the wonderful things, just because I disagree with the way the past administration handled things. The eight years at Baylor were the most formative in my life. I proudly wear my green and gold today as I wish I was in Waco for the Homecoming festivities. I am proud from where I came and in no way want to apologize for it!

Passion

2005-10-15T09:37:00.000-04:00

Since day one of starting my Ph.D., I have been told to do my dissertation on something about which I am passionate. The reasoning being that this is the only way you will finish this long process. I came in saying my passion was eating disorders. I know a weird thing to be passionate about, but it was mine. I cann't explain why I had this interest. I have never had an eating disorder, but ever since I watched the Karen Carpenter story when I was about 12, I have been fascinated with the subject. In the past few months, I wondered if this passion that started with a made for TV movie would be enough. I realized last night that I couldn't stay away from this passion even if I tried.

Last night my friend Kerrie (also in program) and I went to dinner. We then proceeded to Barnes and Noble to look around. Before I knew it, we were both sitting in the floor of the psychology section. I had pulled off the shelf the only three books about eating disorders. I quickly became engulfed in what they had to say. I looked up at one point and asked Kerrie if we were sick. Here it is a Friday night when we could be doing anything and we are spending it looking at books for school. As I said the words, I realized we aren't sick, we are passionate. To spend a free night reading those things that deeply interest you is pure joy. My passion that started with Karen Carpenter is enough. It is enough because it is my passion. I don’t have to explain it, but I merely need to embrace it.

a GREAT weekend

2005-09-26T12:33:00.000-04:00

This last weekend was the BEST weekend since I have moved! Friday night started with Mexican food at my house with four friends and then an Indigo Girls concert. The concert was amazing. They are one of my favorite groups and they never disappoint in concert. I was like a little kid at a candy store as I sat their listening to not only amazing musicians, but also to some of the best song writing. I was blessed and challenged.

The weekend only got better on Saturday when I drove to Charlotte to see my friends Kristen, Ryan, and Josh from Waco! They were in town for a conference and I was really needing to see some familiar faces. I had only planned to stay for the day, but I ended up staying the night! It was such a refreshing time for me. I came back to Greensboro rejuvenated for the next few months. I am in this weird stage of really loving all of my new friends, but also wanting to see those who know me so well. I have realized that nothing can make up for years of walking this life together. This weekend made me realize how much I will cherish Christmas when I go back to see everyone.

Memories of Galveston

2005-09-22T09:45:00.000-04:00

Last night as I talked to my dad on the phone about Rita, I started to cry. The idea of Galveston being destroyed was too much for me. Galveston is the home of some of my best childhood memories.

First I think of the beach. I know that Galveston is not the best beach in the states, but it was the beach that we went to when I was young. It was where I played in the sand and bobbed in the water. It was were I fell in love with the vastness of the ocean (or gulf).

Next my mind goes to the Bishop's Palace. This is an old mansion in Galveston. I remember walking through it as a child and marveling at the beautiful architecture and the marble fireplaces. I did not understand why they needed a huge fireplace in each room, but could imagine myself living in such a place!

There was this other house that offered tours that we went to once. It was not as big or ornate at the Bishop's Palace, but it was my favorite. It was at this house that I learned of the hurricane that had devastated Galveston and led to the building of the sea-wall. I was fascinated with the history of the place I loved. I can remember sitting in the basement of that house and watching a film about the hurricane and the effort of the people after.

But my favorite memory of Galveston is Gaidos. Gaidos is the most amazing seafood restaurant in the world! I have such wonderful recollections of mom, dad, Mandy, and I going there for dinner. We would sit by the window and watch the waves break. One day we sat there and thought we saw a shark, but then realized it was a dolphin! To think back brings tears of joy.

I love Galveston and I am sad that I am just now realizing how much the town means to me. I pray for the days ahead and what will become of the place that holds such wonderful memories. I know I will always have these memories, but the place I love is home to so many.

No More Stress

2005-09-21T10:15:00.000-04:00

I have decided that I refuse to be stressed anymore. I hate the way it makes me feel and it is ridiculous to go around everyday in such a state. I understand that stress is necessary at times (at times being the key). Several of the girls in my program and I decided that we are through with stress. We are not sure exactly how to do this but we are giving it a shot. I have already felt better this week. This in no way means that I am not busy as all get out, but it does mean that I am enjoying my busy schedule. I refuse to be a part of something that I do not enjoy. I want to think back on these three years as a wonderful experience, not a ball of stress. So anyone feel free to join me in a stress free life!

New Friends

2005-08-26T14:16:00.000-04:00

I have been in Greensboro, NC for almost a month now. I have found the grocery store, multiply movie theatres, an amazing shopping center, a stylish couch for my living room, and many other things that appear to be daily necessities. More importantly I have found friends. With moving across the country I was prepared to be lonely and not to have people to do things with for multiple months. I am not saying that I do not miss those from Waco who know the depths of my soul, or that I don’t miss the ability to see my daddy and my sister. What I am saying is that I have meet people with amazing hospitality and a welcoming spirit.

It all started with people from the counseling department. Before I had even moved, I was welcomed in multiple ways; letters, emails, and genuine concern for my move. The first night I was in town by myself, I was invited to dinner with several people. Since then I have met all of the members of the great eight (the self-declared name of our cohort) and realize that each of us is an integral part in the puzzle. They will be my family and support for the next three years and I am anxious to learn each of their stores. They are all amazing women with such different gifts and talents. They showed their true care when they made sure to have dinner with me for my b-day. Although I was in a new town, I was not lonely as I turned 26!!!

Not only have I been welcomed by the school, but also church. I had visited FBC Greensboro when Leigh and I had come to find me a place to live. During that visit I felt a welcoming and inviting environment. From the moment I stepped into the church a month ago, I have felt part of the family. A seventy-nine year old woman in the congregation took care of me the first Sunday. She introduced me to multiple others and has kept up with me ever since. I have since joined a Sunday School class that is made up of women of varying life stages and ages. They too have shown me open arms. I was humbled when two of the women wanted to have a b-day lunch for me. They stated that I did not have a family to celebrate with, so my church family was the next best thing. I have received multiple calls and each time I am at church new people are introducing themselves and asking what I need.

I have been overwhelmed with the welcome I have received in Greensboro, NC. I had been in Waco for the last eight years and had forgotten what it was like to be the new kid in town. I can only hope that one day I will show others the hospitality that I have graciously received.

Off to NC

2005-07-26T10:59:00.000-04:00

I leave in about 24 hours for the next step in my life. I am sitting in Common Grounds, about to have coffee with one of my favorite people (Delayne). It has been so good, but hard saying bye to everyone. How do you say bye to the place you have leaved for eight years? These years have been the hardest and the best of my life. I have been broken and healed in the setting of this place. I know the next chapter will be wonderful, but it is hard to say goodbye. I hope to write more once I move to keep up with all of the people I love.

Philadelphia

2005-05-21T13:12:00.000-04:00

I just finished watching the movie Philadelphia. It is one of my favorites. Each time I watch it, I learn something new about myself. I consider myself blessed that my parents took my sister and myself to watch it when it came out. I was in middle school and it was not a movie I probably would have gone to see on my own. I remember after the movie sitting in the care with my parents and sister and crying. We could not go eat because we were all so emotional. I am thankful that I had parents that helped me have an open view of all people at such a young age.

One line in the movie struck me this morning. Tom Hanks' mother is talking to him and states, she did not raise her son to ride in the back of the bus. WOW. Everyday society, and even more we as individuals, trap people in the back of the bus. We would never admit to such a thing. We lie, mostly to ourselves about what we are doing. Our derogatory comments, our unwelcoming hands, and our closed thinking places people in the back of the bus. What amazes me even more is how the church often does such things. The one place where all people are to be welcome often shows prejudices the most.

Finished!!!!!

2005-05-05T16:47:00.000-04:00

I have just completed my last final at Baylor University! Such a great feeling. I head off to Greensboro with my roomie, Leigh, tomorrow to look for a new place to call home. I am excited about the trip and the opportunity to get out of town. Life is a highway and we will be riding it all weekend long!

Brokenness and the Body

2005-05-04T16:07:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was such a hard day. One of my really good friend's (myles) mom was missing. I waited with him from 11:30 am until 5:30 pm. At 6:00 pm he got the news that she was found and okay. What a relief! My emotions have been running out of control today. While waiting with him, my thoughts rushed back to seven years ago. That is when my mom tried to kill herself and we couldn't find her for what seemed like an eternity (actually just an afternoon). The pain, hurt, and helpless feelings came back as I sat with myles. I knew what he was feeling and there was not a thing I could do but sit there. I knew the deep pain he was experiencing and it was torture knowing his feelings.

People would say that I didn’t have to just sit there, but that I could pray, but I couldn't. I thought of praying for a miracle, but I could not pray for such a thing. A lady from Calvary came and prayed for a miracle and I was jealous of such words she said with confidence. I prayed for a miracle like that once. It was with my mom and it didn't happen. Not that I don't think miracles can and do happen, I just don't have the courage to pray for one again. I don't lack faith in God; I just lack the ability to pray such a thing. I guess I am scared to because of the pain.

My wonderful roomie (Leigh) said it is okay. She said that I am broken and I might not every be at the place to pray in such a way again. She is so right. I am broken. I think I have somewhat been put back together, but not in the same way. I have scars and they are deep. As I think of yesterday, I see that it is because of my brokenness that I was able to sit with myles. I was fully present, because I know the pain. That was my place, to be present.

The body of Christ amazes me. All I could do yesterday was be present, and that was okay. There were others who could pray and they did. They prayed for a miracle, and a miracle happened. Praise God! We are all part of the body and I have to learn to accept my place.

The End????

2005-04-28T17:57:00.000-04:00

After eight years attending class at Baylor University, it is over. Not that I have finished finals or gone through graduation, but I did have my last official class this morning. After the class was over there were not any bells or bright lights. I left the class, just as I have been leaving classes for the last eight years. It still is pretty amazing that it is all coming to an end.

I have been so busy preparing for the end that I can't believe it is here. There are still three finals to be taken and a statement of faith to be completed, but I am on the last leg of the race.

I love quotes and one that I heard in jr. high has been going through my head "This is not the end, it is not even the beginning of the end, but perhaps it is the end of the beginning." Actually today was not the end and I must not view it this way. Today and the days until graduation are the beginning of the next chapter of my life. Although I am scared to death and sad to leave, I am excited to see what is ahead. I can't wait to discover who I am to become!

My Sister

2005-04-12T17:50:00.000-04:00

I shared with my sister (www.ohtomumble.blogspot.com) my thoughts on leaving Waco. Of course she knew the exact words to share.

"Just remember that Waco and its inhabitants aren't going anywhere. You don't have to mourn their loss. You just have to accept that you are pursuing your life's dreams in another location. They aren't gone or forgotten; they are just physically removed from your immediate surroundings. You are going to be fine, and it won't take you long to realize that moving isn't mourning... Moving is growing, exploring, reinventing, and maturing."

She is so right. My sister, Amanda Bigbee, is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. She is my best friend and has lovingly put up with me for the last 25 years. She is intelligent and works harder than any person I know. I could not ask for someone who supports me more. She is my biggest cheerleader. I am not just leaving Waco, but I am leaving my family in the DFW area. My sister will be half way across the US. This is my first step in life that I am having to take without her. She was in second grade at Stone Elementary in Hobbs, NM when I had my first day of kindergarten. She was in her third year at Baylor when I was just starting out. Each step I have made in my life, she took first. She was the brave one that I sheepishly followed. She has been the one with courage.

Grief

2005-04-11T21:43:00.000-04:00

I have been waiting for it to hit me. Dreading the day I would realize all that I am about to leave behind. Well, it has happened. The other day someone told me that as I am leaving, I am grieving. This is not what I wanted to hear. I know the pain and lonlineess of grief all too well. I have spent the last seven years grieving the death of my mother. I know the hole that is left in my heart when someone is gone. I have felt the unexplainable pain too many times and I don’t want to feel it again. I am dreading the hurt that is to come in the next few months. How do you say goodbye to the place that has been the background to the most formative years of your life? How do you say good-bye to the people you have let so close to you heart? How do you move one? Is it possible?

Leaving the Past

2005-03-10T16:21:00.000-05:00

I leave for Greensboro, NC in less than five months. I almost forget this fact since I am always busy with schoolwork, but it is a reality. A reality that is fast upon me. I will pack up all my belongings and head to a state all by myself. I will leave the town I have called home the last eight years. Friends and an amazing church will be left for the road that is ahead of me. It is such a weird feeling. I know I am doing the right thing, and I have not questioned this decision once. The problem is not wanting to leave.

Waco has been the place where I have "found myself." I have grown more in the last years than I ever thought possible. Waco has been the backdrop for the best and the absolute worst times of my life. Waco is my past, my history. To leave Waco is to leave my past. I will not forget it, but I will have to move on. I will use what I have learned and it will constantly influence me, but I can no longer live there. I must move forward regardless of how scared I am.

What can I say, I love Waco.

Who would have thought

2005-03-08T16:24:00.000-05:00

After a year of contemplation, I have decided to try this blog thing. With moving in August, I thought it would be a great way to stay in touch. In addition, there are many thoughts and ideas in my head that I want to get out. I have encouraged many others in their blogging and decided it was time I stop hiding behind others and put myself out there.

Why is the blog called backwards and forwards? There is a quote by Soren Kierkegaard that I love: "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."

I am not promising much. Do not expect there always to be proper grammar or spelling. What I can promise are honest and heartfelt posts. So here we go.