The quilt of my life

Last night Justin and I were watching the Dallas Cowboys, but when it was certain they would win we decided to do something different… we watched home movies. That is right!!! I let him see me not only as an adorable kid, but also as the awkward middle school cheerleader. It was so much fun and we laughed so hard. Since it was a little chilly last night I got the quilt off my spare bed. After the home movies were over, I asked him if he had seen my quilt. He hadn’t so I started telling him the story.

It is a t-shirt quilt, one that my mom and I started making a few months before she died. Mom had decided that we should take all my t-shirts from high school and turn them into a quilt. I thought it was a wonderful idea so the work began. We laid out each shirt and looked at the way the rows would be formed. Great care was taken into measuring and cutting the shirts for we couldn’t make a mistake! After all the shirts were cut, mom started sewing them into rows, she got through two… and then she left, she died. The quilt was left unfinished, incomplete.

When dad was going through the house after mom died, he came across the pile of t-shirts. He decided to have the quilt finished for me as my Christmas present that year. I remember opening the quilt that Christmas and crying. It was amazing. It was like me having part of my mother back. I treasure the quilt. I use it at times and am always terrified when I wash it.

After I finished telling the story, Justin looked into my eyes with the saddest expression. He then asked how my mom could leave before the quilt was finished. I looked at him and stated that the quilt was not the only thing left unfinished. My mom being part of my life was far from being finished, but she left, she made that choice. Just as there were many pieces of the quilt left, so were many aspects of my life. I stated that just as my quilt was put together by someone else, so has my life. In some way, the pieces of my life have been sewn together even without my mom present. Just as her imprint was left on the quilt, so is her imprint on my life.

It doesn’t make sense at times, but all I know is that my life continues to be a quilt added to and made into something beautiful. Although one of the two who started the quilt of my life left, it in no way means the quilting stopped. In her absence others have picked up a needle and thread. They have sewn in times when mom was not there, but I needed her. At times I doubted if the quilt of my life could be put together with her gone, but at each of those moments someone has stepped into my life. As I look at the continual progression of my quilt, I could not be happier. I also think my mom would be happy at the progression of the quilt of my life.

Part of the club

Grey’s Anatomy a few weeks ago got me thinking about a journal entry I made a few years ago. When George’s dad died Christina came up to him and said he was part of the club. These are thoughts and ideas I have thought especially on 12-12-04.



I’m in a club; one that I never asked to be a part of, but one that covered me in an instance; a club that started with darkness and gloom. A club that once in you can never leave—there is no de-pinning. You don’t choose to be a part of this club and you can never leave. At first you despise the club and even pretend you are not a part, but then reality sets in and you realize the truth. There is some comfort found in knowing that you do not cry alone and there are others trapped in the circle of grief-just like you. I guess the key is deciding what your role in the club will be—will you sit in the corner with your back to everyone-or will you turn around and see the others that are hurting with you. Will you experience the beauty of a group of people mourning together? Will you choose to see the body of Christ through a group of individuals broken together? It is weird to say that it doesn’t hurt as much when others are hurting with you. When you first enter the club you consider it a curse, but as the years pass you realize you need this club, you need someone to cry with.

You see yesterday I saw the club at its best. It was the service of consolation at Calvary. I sat with Becky knowing that she would be experiencing pain in an unexplainable way. Of course I was hurting too, but the seventh Christmas is much different than the first. When it was time to go to the front we grasped each others’ hand. As we slowly walked down, her older, but I was the one with more experience in the situation. As we got to the front Becky started to weep-my mind raced back to the first time I had been at the service. Becky was now taking my place in the circle of life. We clutched each other tightly as we were prayed for. Suz walked up and embraced Becky. Becky still had a hold of my hand. She squeezed it as tight as she could. I didn’t mind for I understood the pains she was feeling at the core of her soul. She grasped my hand as if saying “Help me, you know this pain all too well.” I was in a situation which I was helpless. I could say or do nothing to help her pain. I normally am uncomfortable in a situation like this, but you see I wasn’t. I was content with my place. Why, because it was my place in that moment. I was to be the one who has gone before Becky. We walked back to our seats. As we sat down Becky just wept and I held her. Another friend rushed to hold her and pray for her. As I sat there looking at the scene, I was overwhelmed with the presence of God. How can a room of people totally broken and hurting show me God? It is because this is what God wants. For one of the first times I was in a church where people weren’t pretending to be something they weren’t. There were no masks, just honesty flowing through tears. A room filled with questions for God; a room needing the brokenness of each other to survive the moment. I saw the body of Christ—broken, suffering, full of pain—just as Christ had been. The exciting part is knowing the joy that will once again enter this body—not tomorrow and maybe not even next year, but one day. Through grief and brokenness I saw the face of God and it was such an amazing face. I pray that I never forget the scene of the body of Christ.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for.....

Paradox

This week my mind has been flooded with the reality of loving a person while not accepting or even understanding their actions. It is one more paradox of life that we find ourselves confronting at times. We were taught by Jesus to love the sinner, but hate the sin. These words are much easier to recite in a Sunday school class than to actually practice in life. To practice such words, we have to learn to live with the paradox of emotions that we feel all at once. It is almost the same mix of emotions we feel when someone dies; only in this situation the person is still alive. The life of the person seems to only complicate things since we are confronted with their existence and their continual life on earth.

My mother is the one that taught me how to live in the paradox of such feelings towards others. She taught me not by her words, but by the way in which she lived her life. When I was in high school we lived in a very small town. It came out one year that a very active older man at church had molested a small child many years earlier. It was an unthinkable act. The man’s actions caused pain and hurt to so many. My mom knew and understood this, but at the same time she saw the pain and hurt in the one that was the cause. He was immediately ostracized in the town and no one would have anything to do with him; that is no one but my mother. She would on occasion go over to his apartment to take him cookies or home-made bread. Her going over there was not her accepting his behavior in any way. Just like everyone else she did not understand it and was saddened by it, but she was able to see the man behind the action. She saw the lonely man that she knew that Jesus still loved. My mother allowed herself to have Christ’s eyes for the untouchable person in our town. By her actions she taught me what it is to live in the paradox of emotions that are present in such a situation. She showed me what it means to actually live out “love the sinner, hate the sin.” My mother was an amazing woman who knew what it was to love those who are the most unlovable.

Fall with Daddy and Peggy

I had a wonderful time this weekend with Daddy and Peggy. It was amazing just spending time with them. I love being at an age where my father is not just a parent but also one of my best friends and my step-mom is someone who I seek encouragement from. I love living in NC but after a weekend like this I realize how much I miss home. I miss being close to my family and having the opportunity to just sit and talk with them more than twice a year.

Here are a few pics from the weekend!!!!












If and when I ever get married, I want the wedding to be here in the fall.

Long Overdue

It has been over a month since I have written... so this is what has been happening in my life.

I went to Orlando for a conference and this is what happened



I spend all of my time at one of these two places:



Regional Cancer Center-internship



Caribou coffee: place to study

A few weeks ago I got to see



Indigo Girls,they are amazing!!!!



and The Weepies, my favorite new group



And this weekend dad and peggy are coming to NC!



Life is good, but busy right now!

Baylor Football Party!

Baylor might not have won, but it was still fun to hang out with friends!

Birthday Party.

Although my actual birthday was not the best since I was in class until 9:30 pm, the week ended with a GREAT party. My friend Elysia had a cookout for me and Carrie (her b-day was Thursday). It was a wonderful way to end the week. Here are a few pics.


The Birthday Girls!!!


Yea for birthday cake


A party isn't a party until you play BS


The food was GREAT!!!


Elysia with her family

One Book...

Lindsay tagged me for this, so here goes…

That changed your life: “The Awakening” by Kate Chopin

That you've read more than once: “Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis

That you'd want on a desert island: Any book by Helen Fielding.

That made you laugh: "Good in Bed" by Jennifer Weiner

That made you cry: “Death Be Not Proud” by John J. Gunther

That you wish had been written: "My Life as I See It" by Amanda Bigbee

That you wish was never written: "Great Expectations” by Charles Dickens

That you are currently reading: "Without a Name” by Yvonne Vera

That you want to read: "Les Miserables” by Victor Hugo

Mom

I notice the circle of life each year at this time. One day I am celebrating another year of life that I have been given and the next day is the anniversary of my mother’s death. It is so evident each year at this time of the joy and sorrow that surrounds each of us. Both of these days in their own way remind me of the precious gift that life is and how I am to cherish each moment. I am thankful for my life, but I grieve for my mother. Although it has been eight years, my heart still aches for the amazing woman I called mom. As my dear friend Becky stated regarding the death of one’s mother, “It seems that you never get over it, but you learn to make it part of your life.” I miss her dearly in a way that words will never be able to describe.

Lake Lure Vacation

I went to Lake Lure for a short vacation before school started. I went by myself and had a wonderful time. I took my time driving down there and stopped in Black Mountain for lunch and coffee. My time in Lake Lure was spent laying out, hiking at Chimney Rock (fyi: part of Last of the Mohicans was filmed there), reading, and hanging out with Donovan. I came back feeling like I had been gone a week when I was really only away for two nights. Here are a few pics from the trip.




Gastehaus Salzburg, the wonderful bed and breakfast where I stayed.


Start of the hike at Chimney Rock to go to Hickery Nut Falls.


Top of the waterfall


WOW, it was amazing


This was in the movie... Last of the Mohicans


There were a lot of stairs on the hike



The actual lake at Lake Lure


The drive home

Beach time!!!

I just got back from a weekend at the beach (Wilmington, NC). I went with my good friend Elysia and it was wonderful. It is amazing how a few days at the beach can restore my soul!!!

Elysia driving us to the beach!

More fun times in the car!

Ahhhh the wonderful beach!

This is all we did... read, sleep, and play!

OK we also ate really good food!

but there is no place like home!