Brokenness and the Body

Yesterday was such a hard day. One of my really good friend's (myles) mom was missing. I waited with him from 11:30 am until 5:30 pm. At 6:00 pm he got the news that she was found and okay. What a relief! My emotions have been running out of control today. While waiting with him, my thoughts rushed back to seven years ago. That is when my mom tried to kill herself and we couldn't find her for what seemed like an eternity (actually just an afternoon). The pain, hurt, and helpless feelings came back as I sat with myles. I knew what he was feeling and there was not a thing I could do but sit there. I knew the deep pain he was experiencing and it was torture knowing his feelings.

People would say that I didn’t have to just sit there, but that I could pray, but I couldn't. I thought of praying for a miracle, but I could not pray for such a thing. A lady from Calvary came and prayed for a miracle and I was jealous of such words she said with confidence. I prayed for a miracle like that once. It was with my mom and it didn't happen. Not that I don't think miracles can and do happen, I just don't have the courage to pray for one again. I don't lack faith in God; I just lack the ability to pray such a thing. I guess I am scared to because of the pain.

My wonderful roomie (Leigh) said it is okay. She said that I am broken and I might not every be at the place to pray in such a way again. She is so right. I am broken. I think I have somewhat been put back together, but not in the same way. I have scars and they are deep. As I think of yesterday, I see that it is because of my brokenness that I was able to sit with myles. I was fully present, because I know the pain. That was my place, to be present.

The body of Christ amazes me. All I could do yesterday was be present, and that was okay. There were others who could pray and they did. They prayed for a miracle, and a miracle happened. Praise God! We are all part of the body and I have to learn to accept my place.