Christmas Emotions

It amazes me at the depth of emotions that are experienced during the Christmas season. I experience joy and happiness when thinking at the time that I get to spend with my family during this season. I love making cookies and pies with my papa while my sister and mama decorate the cookies. Countless hours are spent with my daddy watching movies and college football. My sister and I exchange thoughtful gifts that show how much we love each other. As much as I try to dwell on the positive aspects of Christmas, each year my heart still breaks. I would say that this started the year after my mother died, but in reality my heart has ached every Christmas since I can remember. Yes it yearns to celebrate one more Christmas with my mother, but my pain encompasses so much more.

I remember as a child going Christmas caroling with Taylor Memorial Baptist Church in Hobbs, NM. We would go to the nursing homes and to all the widows. As we would sing, the wrinkled little ladies would slowly begin to cry. They cried because of the loss that is so evident at the holidays. The songs we sang reminded them of a time with someone they loved. They would smile and say thank you, but my heart would break as the pain that was inside of them would be evident by the tears running down their checks. At that time I in no way understood the depth of their pain, but my heart ached because they were sad.

I now find myself as one of the wrinkled little ladies (ok I don’t have wrinkles, but you get my picture). Every Christmas tears run down my checks as I sing Silent Night in church or as I am waiting in line at a department store. The pain that lives in my body surfaces in an unexplainable way at this time of the year. I try to focus on how fortunate I am for the love that surrounds me, but in the end I still miss my mom. I miss her beautiful smile and her warm embrace. I miss her holiday cooking and her thoughtfulness as she baked bread for the untouchables in our town.

I realize I miss her so much, because of the joy that I experienced through my life with her. In the movie Shadowlands Joy, C.S. Lewis’s wife, states that the pain later is part of the happiness now. How true these words are. I hurt so deeply now because of the depth of joy that I once experienced. If my mom had not meant so much to me, I would not grieve for her now. I wish so much that I would not have this pain, or anyone else for that matter, but in reality if I did not have pain it would mean that I never had experienced a deep love and connection with an amazing person. I hurt at Christmas because I have experienced a depth of joy that most can only dream about.

Five Things

Many of my friends had posted this on their blogs so I thought I would join in the fun. I hope everyone has a happy turkey-day!

Like, and Should
1) sunsets
2) spending time with my family
3) college basketball
4) chocolate
5) trees making a canopy over the road

Don't Like, and Should
1) Mustard
2) Ranch Dressing
3) Flying
4) shopping
5) pro basketball

Don't Like, and Shouldn't
1) SPAM – I am referring to the mystery meat
2) shots
3) going to the dentist
4) arrogant people
5) Star Trek

Like, but Shouldn't
1) Tremors
2) Chili Cheese French Fries
3) Lifetime Movies
4) Reality TV
5) Bon Jovi

Visiting Home

In three short weeks I will be flying back to Texas for Christmas break. I am so excited to see my family and friends. It has been over four months since I have been home and my body longs for the place I know so well. As I have been thinking about this visit, I have started to get nervous and scared. I know it is strange that I would be nervous of going home, but I am. I am not so much nervous about seeing my family, but I am scared of seeing friends. I am scared because I know things won’t be the same as when I left. Four months stand in between then and now. I am not the same person I was before I left and they too have changed. This is the fear that I have dreaded since I moved. As my friend Myles once said “change is part of life. There are no static places, except for graveyards, and even there, grass grows and stone decays.” Change is part of life and it has been occurring since I have left everyone I love so much. I fear that I will not connect in the same way with those who once knew me so well. I have started a new chapter in my life and none of my previous friends are in this chapter. Of course they have a part in it, but they are not in the daily activities. I am scared because of the change that has occurred. I know that change is not always a bad thing and that it can be good, but I am still scared.

The Green Bean

I have desperately missed Common Grounds since leaving Waco. I have tried out a few coffee shops in Greensboro, but have been relatively disappointed. One near campus lacks a good atmosphere and the coffee really isn’t that good. A few chains are okay, but it just isn’t the same. It seemed that I would not find a coffee shop that would even compare to my favorite spot in Waco. That was until I stumbled upon the Green Bean with Kristen Richardson while she was visiting a couple of weeks ago. The Green Bean is a coffee shop located in downtown Greensboro. Not only does it have a cleaver name, free internet, live music a few times a week, good (organic) coffee, yummy tea, but it serves wine and beer. I am not a big beer and wine drinker and was excited to see that this extraordinary coffee shop serves the ever lovely Woodchuck Cider. While it is not Common Grounds, it is unique in its own way. I look forward to having a Cowboy Coffee in December, but am quite content as I sip on my Woodchuck Cider tonight.