favorite jeans

I have been back in Waco for a few days now. It has been wonderful; actually it has been surreal. At moments it feels as if I have not been gone at all and then at other times I realize how far away my new home really is. It has been refreshing and encouraging to be with people who know the depths of my soul.

I have been equating Waco as my favorite pair of jeans. You know the jeans that you can’t wait to put on. They are the jeans that you would wear for the rest of your life, but aren’t appropriate for all things. They are the jeans that make you feel beautiful and comfortable when you are having the ugliest of days. They are the jeans that even if your stomach has a pooch from too much thanksgiving, or your butt size has increased from running, or your thighs are bigger from… ok they are just bigger, they still fit. The jeans are forgiving. That is Waco. Waco still fits. It doesn’t fit like it did five months ago, but it still fits. It has room for the growth that I have experienced the last five months, and it is still a place that is comfortable and forgiving.

Christmas Emotions

It amazes me at the depth of emotions that are experienced during the Christmas season. I experience joy and happiness when thinking at the time that I get to spend with my family during this season. I love making cookies and pies with my papa while my sister and mama decorate the cookies. Countless hours are spent with my daddy watching movies and college football. My sister and I exchange thoughtful gifts that show how much we love each other. As much as I try to dwell on the positive aspects of Christmas, each year my heart still breaks. I would say that this started the year after my mother died, but in reality my heart has ached every Christmas since I can remember. Yes it yearns to celebrate one more Christmas with my mother, but my pain encompasses so much more.

I remember as a child going Christmas caroling with Taylor Memorial Baptist Church in Hobbs, NM. We would go to the nursing homes and to all the widows. As we would sing, the wrinkled little ladies would slowly begin to cry. They cried because of the loss that is so evident at the holidays. The songs we sang reminded them of a time with someone they loved. They would smile and say thank you, but my heart would break as the pain that was inside of them would be evident by the tears running down their checks. At that time I in no way understood the depth of their pain, but my heart ached because they were sad.

I now find myself as one of the wrinkled little ladies (ok I don’t have wrinkles, but you get my picture). Every Christmas tears run down my checks as I sing Silent Night in church or as I am waiting in line at a department store. The pain that lives in my body surfaces in an unexplainable way at this time of the year. I try to focus on how fortunate I am for the love that surrounds me, but in the end I still miss my mom. I miss her beautiful smile and her warm embrace. I miss her holiday cooking and her thoughtfulness as she baked bread for the untouchables in our town.

I realize I miss her so much, because of the joy that I experienced through my life with her. In the movie Shadowlands Joy, C.S. Lewis’s wife, states that the pain later is part of the happiness now. How true these words are. I hurt so deeply now because of the depth of joy that I once experienced. If my mom had not meant so much to me, I would not grieve for her now. I wish so much that I would not have this pain, or anyone else for that matter, but in reality if I did not have pain it would mean that I never had experienced a deep love and connection with an amazing person. I hurt at Christmas because I have experienced a depth of joy that most can only dream about.

Five Things

Many of my friends had posted this on their blogs so I thought I would join in the fun. I hope everyone has a happy turkey-day!

Like, and Should
1) sunsets
2) spending time with my family
3) college basketball
4) chocolate
5) trees making a canopy over the road

Don't Like, and Should
1) Mustard
2) Ranch Dressing
3) Flying
4) shopping
5) pro basketball

Don't Like, and Shouldn't
1) SPAM – I am referring to the mystery meat
2) shots
3) going to the dentist
4) arrogant people
5) Star Trek

Like, but Shouldn't
1) Tremors
2) Chili Cheese French Fries
3) Lifetime Movies
4) Reality TV
5) Bon Jovi

Visiting Home

In three short weeks I will be flying back to Texas for Christmas break. I am so excited to see my family and friends. It has been over four months since I have been home and my body longs for the place I know so well. As I have been thinking about this visit, I have started to get nervous and scared. I know it is strange that I would be nervous of going home, but I am. I am not so much nervous about seeing my family, but I am scared of seeing friends. I am scared because I know things won’t be the same as when I left. Four months stand in between then and now. I am not the same person I was before I left and they too have changed. This is the fear that I have dreaded since I moved. As my friend Myles once said “change is part of life. There are no static places, except for graveyards, and even there, grass grows and stone decays.” Change is part of life and it has been occurring since I have left everyone I love so much. I fear that I will not connect in the same way with those who once knew me so well. I have started a new chapter in my life and none of my previous friends are in this chapter. Of course they have a part in it, but they are not in the daily activities. I am scared because of the change that has occurred. I know that change is not always a bad thing and that it can be good, but I am still scared.

The Green Bean

I have desperately missed Common Grounds since leaving Waco. I have tried out a few coffee shops in Greensboro, but have been relatively disappointed. One near campus lacks a good atmosphere and the coffee really isn’t that good. A few chains are okay, but it just isn’t the same. It seemed that I would not find a coffee shop that would even compare to my favorite spot in Waco. That was until I stumbled upon the Green Bean with Kristen Richardson while she was visiting a couple of weeks ago. The Green Bean is a coffee shop located in downtown Greensboro. Not only does it have a cleaver name, free internet, live music a few times a week, good (organic) coffee, yummy tea, but it serves wine and beer. I am not a big beer and wine drinker and was excited to see that this extraordinary coffee shop serves the ever lovely Woodchuck Cider. While it is not Common Grounds, it is unique in its own way. I look forward to having a Cowboy Coffee in December, but am quite content as I sip on my Woodchuck Cider tonight.

Baylor Bears

Through the last few years I have been angry at Baylor University. I have not been happy at the way they have handled many things and am sadden at their choices of terminating useful programs (their Ed.D. program and now community counseling). I came to NC thinking that my allegiance to a school where I had been for eight years was for the most part gone. I realized last week, that this is not the case.

I was at an ACES (Association for Counselor Educators and Supervisors) conference this last weekend in Pittsburgh. I knew that Baylor's football game was going to be on TV and was excited to get to watch them. I forfeited a night of karaoke for college football (such an easy choice). A friend did persuade me to go to the hotel bar during the fourth quarter of the game. The bartender happily changed the television to the Baylor/OU game. As the game was ending and Baylor tied it up, I was happy to tell those around that I went to Baylor. I got in a conversation with a man beside me and bragged about how wonderful a school Baylor is.

My reaction to this situation got me thinking about how much I do love Baylor. Yes, it has its flaws. But in reality what doesn't? It is a university run by imperfect people just like me. I in no way should through out the wonderful things, just because I disagree with the way the past administration handled things. The eight years at Baylor were the most formative in my life. I proudly wear my green and gold today as I wish I was in Waco for the Homecoming festivities. I am proud from where I came and in no way want to apologize for it!

Passion

Since day one of starting my Ph.D., I have been told to do my dissertation on something about which I am passionate. The reasoning being that this is the only way you will finish this long process. I came in saying my passion was eating disorders. I know a weird thing to be passionate about, but it was mine. I cann't explain why I had this interest. I have never had an eating disorder, but ever since I watched the Karen Carpenter story when I was about 12, I have been fascinated with the subject. In the past few months, I wondered if this passion that started with a made for TV movie would be enough. I realized last night that I couldn't stay away from this passion even if I tried.

Last night my friend Kerrie (also in program) and I went to dinner. We then proceeded to Barnes and Noble to look around. Before I knew it, we were both sitting in the floor of the psychology section. I had pulled off the shelf the only three books about eating disorders. I quickly became engulfed in what they had to say. I looked up at one point and asked Kerrie if we were sick. Here it is a Friday night when we could be doing anything and we are spending it looking at books for school. As I said the words, I realized we aren't sick, we are passionate. To spend a free night reading those things that deeply interest you is pure joy. My passion that started with Karen Carpenter is enough. It is enough because it is my passion. I don’t have to explain it, but I merely need to embrace it.

a GREAT weekend

This last weekend was the BEST weekend since I have moved! Friday night started with Mexican food at my house with four friends and then an Indigo Girls concert. The concert was amazing. They are one of my favorite groups and they never disappoint in concert. I was like a little kid at a candy store as I sat their listening to not only amazing musicians, but also to some of the best song writing. I was blessed and challenged.

The weekend only got better on Saturday when I drove to Charlotte to see my friends Kristen, Ryan, and Josh from Waco! They were in town for a conference and I was really needing to see some familiar faces. I had only planned to stay for the day, but I ended up staying the night! It was such a refreshing time for me. I came back to Greensboro rejuvenated for the next few months. I am in this weird stage of really loving all of my new friends, but also wanting to see those who know me so well. I have realized that nothing can make up for years of walking this life together. This weekend made me realize how much I will cherish Christmas when I go back to see everyone.

Memories of Galveston

Last night as I talked to my dad on the phone about Rita, I started to cry. The idea of Galveston being destroyed was too much for me. Galveston is the home of some of my best childhood memories.

First I think of the beach. I know that Galveston is not the best beach in the states, but it was the beach that we went to when I was young. It was where I played in the sand and bobbed in the water. It was were I fell in love with the vastness of the ocean (or gulf).

Next my mind goes to the Bishop's Palace. This is an old mansion in Galveston. I remember walking through it as a child and marveling at the beautiful architecture and the marble fireplaces. I did not understand why they needed a huge fireplace in each room, but could imagine myself living in such a place!

There was this other house that offered tours that we went to once. It was not as big or ornate at the Bishop's Palace, but it was my favorite. It was at this house that I learned of the hurricane that had devastated Galveston and led to the building of the sea-wall. I was fascinated with the history of the place I loved. I can remember sitting in the basement of that house and watching a film about the hurricane and the effort of the people after.

But my favorite memory of Galveston is Gaidos. Gaidos is the most amazing seafood restaurant in the world! I have such wonderful recollections of mom, dad, Mandy, and I going there for dinner. We would sit by the window and watch the waves break. One day we sat there and thought we saw a shark, but then realized it was a dolphin! To think back brings tears of joy.

I love Galveston and I am sad that I am just now realizing how much the town means to me. I pray for the days ahead and what will become of the place that holds such wonderful memories. I know I will always have these memories, but the place I love is home to so many.

No More Stress

I have decided that I refuse to be stressed anymore. I hate the way it makes me feel and it is ridiculous to go around everyday in such a state. I understand that stress is necessary at times (at times being the key). Several of the girls in my program and I decided that we are through with stress. We are not sure exactly how to do this but we are giving it a shot. I have already felt better this week. This in no way means that I am not busy as all get out, but it does mean that I am enjoying my busy schedule. I refuse to be a part of something that I do not enjoy. I want to think back on these three years as a wonderful experience, not a ball of stress. So anyone feel free to join me in a stress free life!

New Friends

I have been in Greensboro, NC for almost a month now. I have found the grocery store, multiply movie theatres, an amazing shopping center, a stylish couch for my living room, and many other things that appear to be daily necessities. More importantly I have found friends. With moving across the country I was prepared to be lonely and not to have people to do things with for multiple months. I am not saying that I do not miss those from Waco who know the depths of my soul, or that I don’t miss the ability to see my daddy and my sister. What I am saying is that I have meet people with amazing hospitality and a welcoming spirit.

It all started with people from the counseling department. Before I had even moved, I was welcomed in multiple ways; letters, emails, and genuine concern for my move. The first night I was in town by myself, I was invited to dinner with several people. Since then I have met all of the members of the great eight (the self-declared name of our cohort) and realize that each of us is an integral part in the puzzle. They will be my family and support for the next three years and I am anxious to learn each of their stores. They are all amazing women with such different gifts and talents. They showed their true care when they made sure to have dinner with me for my b-day. Although I was in a new town, I was not lonely as I turned 26!!!

Not only have I been welcomed by the school, but also church. I had visited FBC Greensboro when Leigh and I had come to find me a place to live. During that visit I felt a welcoming and inviting environment. From the moment I stepped into the church a month ago, I have felt part of the family. A seventy-nine year old woman in the congregation took care of me the first Sunday. She introduced me to multiple others and has kept up with me ever since. I have since joined a Sunday School class that is made up of women of varying life stages and ages. They too have shown me open arms. I was humbled when two of the women wanted to have a b-day lunch for me. They stated that I did not have a family to celebrate with, so my church family was the next best thing. I have received multiple calls and each time I am at church new people are introducing themselves and asking what I need.

I have been overwhelmed with the welcome I have received in Greensboro, NC. I had been in Waco for the last eight years and had forgotten what it was like to be the new kid in town. I can only hope that one day I will show others the hospitality that I have graciously received.

Off to NC

I leave in about 24 hours for the next step in my life. I am sitting in Common Grounds, about to have coffee with one of my favorite people (Delayne). It has been so good, but hard saying bye to everyone. How do you say bye to the place you have leaved for eight years? These years have been the hardest and the best of my life. I have been broken and healed in the setting of this place. I know the next chapter will be wonderful, but it is hard to say goodbye. I hope to write more once I move to keep up with all of the people I love.

Philadelphia

I just finished watching the movie Philadelphia. It is one of my favorites. Each time I watch it, I learn something new about myself. I consider myself blessed that my parents took my sister and myself to watch it when it came out. I was in middle school and it was not a movie I probably would have gone to see on my own. I remember after the movie sitting in the care with my parents and sister and crying. We could not go eat because we were all so emotional. I am thankful that I had parents that helped me have an open view of all people at such a young age.

One line in the movie struck me this morning. Tom Hanks' mother is talking to him and states, she did not raise her son to ride in the back of the bus. WOW. Everyday society, and even more we as individuals, trap people in the back of the bus. We would never admit to such a thing. We lie, mostly to ourselves about what we are doing. Our derogatory comments, our unwelcoming hands, and our closed thinking places people in the back of the bus. What amazes me even more is how the church often does such things. The one place where all people are to be welcome often shows prejudices the most.

Finished!!!!!

I have just completed my last final at Baylor University! Such a great feeling. I head off to Greensboro with my roomie, Leigh, tomorrow to look for a new place to call home. I am excited about the trip and the opportunity to get out of town. Life is a highway and we will be riding it all weekend long!

Brokenness and the Body

Yesterday was such a hard day. One of my really good friend's (myles) mom was missing. I waited with him from 11:30 am until 5:30 pm. At 6:00 pm he got the news that she was found and okay. What a relief! My emotions have been running out of control today. While waiting with him, my thoughts rushed back to seven years ago. That is when my mom tried to kill herself and we couldn't find her for what seemed like an eternity (actually just an afternoon). The pain, hurt, and helpless feelings came back as I sat with myles. I knew what he was feeling and there was not a thing I could do but sit there. I knew the deep pain he was experiencing and it was torture knowing his feelings.

People would say that I didn’t have to just sit there, but that I could pray, but I couldn't. I thought of praying for a miracle, but I could not pray for such a thing. A lady from Calvary came and prayed for a miracle and I was jealous of such words she said with confidence. I prayed for a miracle like that once. It was with my mom and it didn't happen. Not that I don't think miracles can and do happen, I just don't have the courage to pray for one again. I don't lack faith in God; I just lack the ability to pray such a thing. I guess I am scared to because of the pain.

My wonderful roomie (Leigh) said it is okay. She said that I am broken and I might not every be at the place to pray in such a way again. She is so right. I am broken. I think I have somewhat been put back together, but not in the same way. I have scars and they are deep. As I think of yesterday, I see that it is because of my brokenness that I was able to sit with myles. I was fully present, because I know the pain. That was my place, to be present.

The body of Christ amazes me. All I could do yesterday was be present, and that was okay. There were others who could pray and they did. They prayed for a miracle, and a miracle happened. Praise God! We are all part of the body and I have to learn to accept my place.

The End????

After eight years attending class at Baylor University, it is over. Not that I have finished finals or gone through graduation, but I did have my last official class this morning. After the class was over there were not any bells or bright lights. I left the class, just as I have been leaving classes for the last eight years. It still is pretty amazing that it is all coming to an end.

I have been so busy preparing for the end that I can't believe it is here. There are still three finals to be taken and a statement of faith to be completed, but I am on the last leg of the race.

I love quotes and one that I heard in jr. high has been going through my head "This is not the end, it is not even the beginning of the end, but perhaps it is the end of the beginning." Actually today was not the end and I must not view it this way. Today and the days until graduation are the beginning of the next chapter of my life. Although I am scared to death and sad to leave, I am excited to see what is ahead. I can't wait to discover who I am to become!

My Sister

I shared with my sister (www.ohtomumble.blogspot.com) my thoughts on leaving Waco. Of course she knew the exact words to share.

"Just remember that Waco and its inhabitants aren't going anywhere. You don't have to mourn their loss. You just have to accept that you are pursuing your life's dreams in another location. They aren't gone or forgotten; they are just physically removed from your immediate surroundings. You are going to be fine, and it won't take you long to realize that moving isn't mourning... Moving is growing, exploring, reinventing, and maturing."

She is so right. My sister, Amanda Bigbee, is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. She is my best friend and has lovingly put up with me for the last 25 years. She is intelligent and works harder than any person I know. I could not ask for someone who supports me more. She is my biggest cheerleader. I am not just leaving Waco, but I am leaving my family in the DFW area. My sister will be half way across the US. This is my first step in life that I am having to take without her. She was in second grade at Stone Elementary in Hobbs, NM when I had my first day of kindergarten. She was in her third year at Baylor when I was just starting out. Each step I have made in my life, she took first. She was the brave one that I sheepishly followed. She has been the one with courage.

Grief

I have been waiting for it to hit me. Dreading the day I would realize all that I am about to leave behind. Well, it has happened. The other day someone told me that as I am leaving, I am grieving. This is not what I wanted to hear. I know the pain and lonlineess of grief all too well. I have spent the last seven years grieving the death of my mother. I know the hole that is left in my heart when someone is gone. I have felt the unexplainable pain too many times and I don’t want to feel it again. I am dreading the hurt that is to come in the next few months. How do you say goodbye to the place that has been the background to the most formative years of your life? How do you say good-bye to the people you have let so close to you heart? How do you move one? Is it possible?

Leaving the Past

I leave for Greensboro, NC in less than five months. I almost forget this fact since I am always busy with schoolwork, but it is a reality. A reality that is fast upon me. I will pack up all my belongings and head to a state all by myself. I will leave the town I have called home the last eight years. Friends and an amazing church will be left for the road that is ahead of me. It is such a weird feeling. I know I am doing the right thing, and I have not questioned this decision once. The problem is not wanting to leave.

Waco has been the place where I have "found myself." I have grown more in the last years than I ever thought possible. Waco has been the backdrop for the best and the absolute worst times of my life. Waco is my past, my history. To leave Waco is to leave my past. I will not forget it, but I will have to move on. I will use what I have learned and it will constantly influence me, but I can no longer live there. I must move forward regardless of how scared I am.

What can I say, I love Waco.

Who would have thought

After a year of contemplation, I have decided to try this blog thing. With moving in August, I thought it would be a great way to stay in touch. In addition, there are many thoughts and ideas in my head that I want to get out. I have encouraged many others in their blogging and decided it was time I stop hiding behind others and put myself out there.

Why is the blog called backwards and forwards? There is a quote by Soren Kierkegaard that I love: "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."

I am not promising much. Do not expect there always to be proper grammar or spelling. What I can promise are honest and heartfelt posts. So here we go.