It amazes me at the depth of emotions that are experienced during the Christmas season. I experience joy and happiness when thinking at the time that I get to spend with my family during this season. I love making cookies and pies with my papa while my sister and mama decorate the cookies. Countless hours are spent with my daddy watching movies and college football. My sister and I exchange thoughtful gifts that show how much we love each other. As much as I try to dwell on the positive aspects of Christmas, each year my heart still breaks. I would say that this started the year after my mother died, but in reality my heart has ached every Christmas since I can remember. Yes it yearns to celebrate one more Christmas with my mother, but my pain encompasses so much more.
I remember as a child going Christmas caroling with Taylor Memorial Baptist Church in Hobbs, NM. We would go to the nursing homes and to all the widows. As we would sing, the wrinkled little ladies would slowly begin to cry. They cried because of the loss that is so evident at the holidays. The songs we sang reminded them of a time with someone they loved. They would smile and say thank you, but my heart would break as the pain that was inside of them would be evident by the tears running down their checks. At that time I in no way understood the depth of their pain, but my heart ached because they were sad.
I now find myself as one of the wrinkled little ladies (ok I don’t have wrinkles, but you get my picture). Every Christmas tears run down my checks as I sing Silent Night in church or as I am waiting in line at a department store. The pain that lives in my body surfaces in an unexplainable way at this time of the year. I try to focus on how fortunate I am for the love that surrounds me, but in the end I still miss my mom. I miss her beautiful smile and her warm embrace. I miss her holiday cooking and her thoughtfulness as she baked bread for the untouchables in our town.
I realize I miss her so much, because of the joy that I experienced through my life with her. In the movie Shadowlands Joy, C.S. Lewis’s wife, states that the pain later is part of the happiness now. How true these words are. I hurt so deeply now because of the depth of joy that I once experienced. If my mom had not meant so much to me, I would not grieve for her now. I wish so much that I would not have this pain, or anyone else for that matter, but in reality if I did not have pain it would mean that I never had experienced a deep love and connection with an amazing person. I hurt at Christmas because I have experienced a depth of joy that most can only dream about.
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3 comments:
your words are good and true. come back to texas.
I miss her too, Weeze. But I try to remember how much she loved the holidays and spending time with her family. She would never want you to be sad, especially at a time of year that she was so happy. If she were here, she would tell you to enjoy Mama and Papa, remember how lucky you are to have family that loves you so much, and to try and give with a joyful and generous heart.
Love you.
Mandy, how do you always know what to say? Thank you.
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